You’re not healing, you’re becoming…

All over social media today, people are talking about their “healing journey”. This phrase is spoken by therapists, clients, coaches, and anyone else who is looking into their mental health.

Although the sentiment is quite beautiful and the intent is also positive, I have found that it is one of the heaviest burdens that many of my clients have. So many people have sat across from me, head hanging, tearful looks, as they tell me they don’t know what they’re doing wrong. That they’re not ‘healed enough’.

But what I have found is that we are not broken. Therefore, healing does not need to occur. (Sure, there will be exceptions to this, such as brain injuries, etc.)

Think about this…

Humans have survived for thousands of years. None of this stuff is new (except technology). But the concept of everything we experience today is no harder than 1,000 years ago.

Think about it. People used to stab each other just to take their land, cattle, food. Women were treated as property and raped as the norm (and it was totally cool). Slaves were taken from all different cultures and backgrounds. You knew you probably wouldn’t live long past the age of 30 because the common cold would kill you.

And yet, humanity persisted.
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A few months ago when I was starting my practice, I spent about 5 hours at a Panera. I had invited my incredible and insightful friend, Ben, to join me for some coffee and conversation.

We began talking about life. How f*cking tough it can be sometimes. How everyone now days is struggling, including ourselves. As someone who really likes analogies, I wanted to express what this emotional journey of life has been like for me. I said,

“It’s like all the emotions of life are waves. Hitting me over and over. Each time I get over one, I’m smacked with another. And I’m screaming, ‘HELP. I’M DROWNING.’
But I forget that I’m a fish.”

We humans are designed to withstand pain. What happens when our nervous system becomes dysregulated is that we are ignoring/fighting our natural reaction to complete the stress response cycle within the body.

When you watch animals after fighting or escaping death, their bodies will tremble. (The same thing happens to humans when they are coming of anesthesia after a major surgery). Their bodies know what to do to feel better, and animals listen.

What do we do? We pathologize it. We over-think it. We ignore it. We distract. We check out.

But do you know what happens if you were to actually listen to what you body needs?

If you sit silently and let your body do what it is designed to do… you’ll snap back quicker than ever.

Let’s give a real world example:

February of 2022 I was swimming in Oahu, Hawaii with a friend of mine. We decided to go to Electric Beach. She told me there was some great snorkeling, we would just need to swim about 100 yards out past the waves to get to it. I’m not the best swimmer, but I can swim. So I figured, why not? I can always float.

We started heading out. I had my mask and flippers. Progress was slow but I was excited. Until I wasn’t. I started to feel my body losing energy. I got stuck. I couldn’t move sideways. I couldn’t float. I couldn’t swim back. Waves kept hitting me over and over.

I knew exactly what was happening. I was drowning.

After many attempts at telling my friend I was drowning, I didn’t know what to do.

Thankfully, a random woman noticed I was drowning and came to rescue me. There is no lifeguard at this beach, so I was extremely lucky.

When I got back to shore, I had the worst headache of my life. I sat on the beach and my entire body began to tremble. HARD. I’m not entirely sure how long we sat there, but it was at least 15-20 minutes.

As a therapist who is dorky as hell, I kept thinking, “This is my body going through the stress response cycle.”

Once I finished shaking, we got up and left. I debriefed what had happened with my friend on the car ride home. I napped. And one hour later, I was completely fine. Zero fear of water. Zero fear of drowning.

In that moment, I had no choice but to listen to my body and let her do her thing. And she came through for me. She saved me.

Did I need to heal from that experience? Hell no. I was letting my body do what she does best… keep me alive.

So, next time you feel like you need to “heal” from the guaranteed pains of life, just remember that you don’t need to.

YOU AREN’T BROKEN.

You just need to (un)become who you thought you were supposed to be and lean into who you truly are.

Bye bye, Shame. We don’t’ need you around here anymore.